Hey #026: Does unconditional love exist in a relationship?

Exploring the unconditionality of love wrt relationships

Love.

Relationship.

I used to consider that both of these words are synonymous.

Meaning: if love is there, a relationship will be there. And if a relationship is there, love will be there.

The synonyms.

This concept made it hard for me to build, nurture and in fact leave relationships.

To make it clear, I’m not talking about romantic relationships only. I’m talking about friendships, family relationships, the relationships at work and in the world in general.

After quite a few experiences, I had to reconsider my perception: Are love and relationships really synonymous?

Because if they are, then according to “love is unconditional,” relationships must be unconditional too.

But then why don’t relationships feel unconditional? Why do relationships feel like a facade built on an unstable structure of unconditional love?

This used to be my line of questioning.

After talking and listening to people, exploring my own experiences in relationships and introspecting, one day it struck:

Love is unconditional. It's a relationship that is conditional.

It blew my mind. I felt as if I solved some unsolvable puzzle lol.

Because if we contemplate on the word “relationship,” we’ll realize: this word is all about “relation.” And to establish any relation, certain criteria or “conditions” need to be matched or met.

So how can something that’s meant to be conditional can ever be unconditional?

It can’t be.

Hence,

Relationships can never be unconditional. They’re not meant to be.

At the same time, “relationships being conditional” doesn’t say anything about love not being unconditional.

Love was, is and forever will be unconditional. That’s its nature.

But to pursue this love in a tangible form such as a "relationship," certain conditions need to be met.

When we recognize and accept the terms "love" and "relationship" for their individuality, we stop putting the weight of unconditionality on relationships.

For relationships are not:

I’ll love you no matter what, why, when and how even if it ends up making me abandon myself.

Relationships are:

I’ll love you no matter what, why, when and how. But we’ll make sure neither you nor me ends up abandoning ourselves as we love each other.

This is the safely conditioned container called “relationship” in which we create a chance for unconditional love to thrive.

To put it into perspective, if unconditional love is:

I love you exactly the way you are without any ifs and buts.

Then in a relationship it becomes:

I love you the way you are. But to pursue it harmoniously, I want you to help me take care of my needs and expectations. And I'll help you take care of yours.

It may sound counterintuitive, but it's true that ifs and buts are required in a relationship.

Not to curse a relationship to deprive it of its beauty. But to bless it with safety and stability which beautify it further.

Relationships really are a healthy balance of receiving and giving. They’re not just about giving (the way unconditional love makes it seem).

To create this balance, both people involved in the relationship need to have a fair understanding of their expectations and needs. Plus, the way they’d communicate it with each other.

Yes, that’s why relationships are consciously built. They require effort to materialize the abstract concept of unconditional love.

Though, these efforts can look daunting.

Mainly because they challenge us to accept: a) unconditional love does exist, and b) it can be experienced in a relationship (when chosen to).

Hence all the fears we talk about in the context of love make me wonder:

Are we really afraid of love?

No.

I think:

We’re not afraid of love. We're afraid of relationships.

We want to experience love in its unconditionality and in its entirety. For it reminds us of our very being, our core, our essence.

Oh we so much want it!

But we don't know how to manifest this want by ourselves.

So we search for mediums like that of relationships.

We go ahead with this medium. We start idolizing it to an extent where we believe it to be what it is not. Meaning:

Instead of seeing relationships as a medium to experience unconditional love, we blindfold ourselves into believing that relationships are unconditional love.

That…relationship and love are synonymous.

We keep pursuing relationships with the same belief. We keep getting influenced by the same belief. And knowingly or unknowingly, we keep promoting the same belief.

A dreamland built on an unquestioned belief. You see?

Then when our relationships get shaky, sometimes to an extent of intense suffering, we start wondering:

Why is it happening? What's the point of all this suffering? Wasn't it supposed to be all peaceful and unconditional?

As that suffering increases, we begin to seal the notion:

What a hoax. It's true after all – Unconditional love doesn't exist.

Then we crush the dreamland that wasn't supposed to be there in the first place. Along with it, we crush our belief in the existence of unconditional love.

We’re unaware that we've been following the wrong equation.

Relationships are NOT synonymous to unconditional love.

Relationships are a medium to experience unconditional love.

This awareness makes us check the expectations that we put on our relationships.

So that we don't end up: a) defying the presence of unconditional love within and without relationships, and b) ruining the meaning and purpose of relationships in the whole process.

We need to keep the relationships conditional and the love unconditional. 

Let's not try to mix them up and rob them of their individuality.

Once we cultivate this understanding, we'll be able to discover and OWN our "conditions" aka our needs, wishes and expectations from a relationship.

With the ownership of our conditions, we'll then accept and work in tandem with the conditions of the other person involved in that relationship.

For it’s only obvious that two people with different mindsets, upbringings, perceptions, dreams, values, characteristics involved in one relationship will have different ways of going about life and everything alongside.

This difference needs a rhythm and coordination – which the whole concept of "relationships are conditional" facilitates.

Reminder: it's a team effort. It goes both ways.

And that's how we begin to create a safe-space. Or rather a safe and stable container for the boundless air of unconditional love to exist within our relationships 😊

Now let’s circle back to where we begin:

Does unconditional love exist in a relationship?

The answer:

Yes. It does.

We can experience unconditional love in a relationship. But it doesn’t make a relationship all about unconditional love and vice-versa.

Stay with this thought for a while, if you will.

Then let me know what you think about the existence of unconditional love in relationships.

Here’s a thread for you to share and discuss about the same.

If you wish, you can drop your views in the comments as well.

Let’s have some great time exchanging our thoughts.

🦋

Until next Thursday,

Ashi

(it me on Twitter and LinkedIn)

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