Hey #027: How to listen to people without trying to fix them?
Separating the art of listening from problem-solving
Let’s say:
You go to someone to talk about a challenge you’re facing.
That someone cares a lot about you. And you know it.
You start speaking your heart out. They can see you're struggling. You continue to let it all out.
As you keep pouring words, you find them starting to speak. They say something like:
"You need to do…Or have you tried doing…? I really feel you should do this…It’ll help you…"
You stop speaking. And make a confused face. Now they’re speaking. And you’re trying to listen to them.
You know they want your best only. You know they’re trying to help you. And you want to believe it. So you continue trying to pay attention to what they’re saying.
At the same time, you find it hard to not feel agitated.
Why?
Because you want to feel heard and attended. But you’re finding yourself feeling neglected and unattended.
You didn’t come to them to get your situation fixed or to learn what you should or shouldn't do. You’re not worried about solving anything at that moment. In that very instant, you only want to be listened to.
Hence you feel an inner conflict in believing they’re trying to help you. For their way of helping you is not how you want to be helped.
Now reverse the scenario.
Someone comes to you to share their situation. You listen to them. Because you know listening can be truly helpful.
You listen. And listen.
Then you start sharing your solutions and experiences solely with the intent to help them.
In your heart, you’re doing your best to help them. After all, you’re “listening” to them.
But…
Are you really helping them?
Do you consider taking a step back and question your method of listening?
Do you wonder – Are they even looking for my suggestions?
Instead of offering them what you think they need, do you ask them – What do they need in that instant?
Do you ask them – Do they need you to only listen? Or are they also looking for your suggestions?
Often, we don’t do that. Isn’t it?
We seem to believe, the purpose of listening always needs to end with some solution or fix.
We forget that the true purpose of listening isn't derived from the objective of solving anything.
The true purpose of listening is to be wholeheartedly present with the other person as they express what they want to express.
Listening is all about letting the other person drive the car of expression while you ride the shotgun.
If you do it well, it helps them feel genuinely heard. And that’s THE purpose of listening.
The question becomes:
Why is it hard for us to listen to others without trying to fix anything?
I believe, it’s because:
We seem to know the only way of helping people is to solve their problems or fix their situations with the help of our suggestions and experiences
We feel all sorts of emotions by listening to what they’re telling us. Since those emotions can be discomforting, we rush to get ourselves out of those emotions by trying to fix the situation. In doing so, we think we’re helping them. When actually, we’re trying to help ourselves
We don’t have enough patience to listen. Maybe because we can be entangled in our own stuff when they want us to listen to them. Or maybe because we haven't given ourselves a chance to cultivate that patience at all
We get worried that if we don't fix the situation now for them, they'll end up suffering more. Since we care for them, their suffering will pain us too. So we try to bypass it by solving the situation right away. And we forget that by doing so, we may be depriving them of invaluable life experiences that they need to live
We put their situation in our frame of experience to offer them empathy. But we end up comparing: "That happened to me too. But it was manageable. You don’t have to make a big deal out of it." We forget that no matter how alike the situations may be, it's still THEIR situation, THEIR experience, THEIR interpretation of it. Us telling them to not make a big deal out of it is just gonna invalidate their experience and will make them feel unheard
You may be wondering:
Does listening mean listening and speaking nothing?
No. It does include speaking.
We need to speak as we listen to others.
Why?
To make sure that we’re understanding what they’re trying to make us understand.
How can we make sure of that?
By keeping assumptions at bay and asking questions.
Hence ask:
"So you're saying that when she shouted at you, you got angry which then made her more angry and the situation escalated...?"
They may say, "Yeah. Why are you repeating my words?"
You say, "It's because I wanna make sure that I'm not assuming anything. And that I'm able to understand you the way you want me to understand."
Another example:
"When you say, you couldn't work on that deadline. Are you saying that you weren't motivated to do it? Or is there something else I'm missing?"
Ask questions. Don’t assume.
Let them help you help them 😊
When we start listening to people without trying to fix them or their situation, we start recognising the moments when we need others to listen to us. It becomes easier for us to ask from them:
"I'm not looking for any suggestions or solutions right now. I want to feel heard. Can you please listen to me?"
We also realize:
Instead of listening to their suggestions because "they care for me hence they're trying to help me by offering suggestions" and feeling unheard at the same time, we can tell them "I want to be heard right now. Nothing else” which can make things easier for them and us.
Expressing the need to feel heard in that instant helps to not build passive resentment (“you don't ever listen to me") towards them.
It also helps in making them aware of our need which they may not know all by themselves.
Fixing isn't always the solution.
(Additional read: 7 differences between helping and fixing others)
The right moment to fix and solve presents itself to us when we let the listening do its job.
So let's try to be good listeners first. The ones who listen not to fix anything but to deeply solely completely listen.
🦋
See you next Thursday,
Ashi
(it me on Twitter and LinkedIn)
ps: Thank you for listening to (😉) HeyEmotions for the last 6 months. Tomorrow, 16th Dec marks the 6 months milestone for HeyEmotions. Heartfelt congratulations, you ✨
I dearly hope and wish that you realize the irreplaceable role you've played in making it happen.
As a small celebration, I've begun a thread. Hop in. And drop the link/ title/ number of your most fav HeyEmotions edition so far.
Let's start the celebration 🥳