Pain.
The word that instigates a different sensation in one’s heart.
The word that is encountered in multiple ways.
The word that underpins the meaning of life.
Before we move forward, I invite you to momentarily detach yourself from all the notions that you’ve been using in and around ‘pain.’ Specifically the notions that villainize pain. For the next few minutes, let’s put all those notions in a box. And ditch that box into the ocean of ignorance.
Done?
Coolio.
First things first:
What does honoring our pain mean? Why do we even need to honor our pain?
Honoring our pain means deepening the relationship with our life experiences.
For pains are nothing but those life experiences that aren’t exactly pleasant.
When we honor those experiences, we cultivate a deeper understanding towards self and the world which then helps us live and enjoy life in a fulfilling manner.
When we talk about pain, be it physical or non-physical pain, directly or indirectly we refer to the suffering that is caused by it.
Suffering sucks. So we believe the pain sucks. For if there were no pain, there wouldn't be any suffering.
But is it really so?
I doubt it.
We happen to use the words ‘pain’ and ‘suffering’ interchangeably. But there is a difference between pain and suffering.
The way I see it:
Pain is an unpleasant experience.
Suffering is the interpretation of that experience.
Now you may be wondering, if an experience is already unpleasant, how can its interpretation be pleasant? In other words, if pain is there, how come suffering won’t be there?
Well, you must have read the quote:
Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional.
This quote emphasizes the thoughtline that we are currently exploring.
Any experience (pleasant or unpleasant) derives its interpretation by the meaning we assign to it.
If an experience is already unpleasant, you still have the power of your interpretation to decide if it’s gonna cause you suffering or not. Or rather, if you’re gonna allow it to cause you any suffering or not.
Aka:
The presence of an unpleasant experience shows that there exists pain. But is suffering there too? That only you can decide.
One falls down the stairs, hurts their knee and is in pain. It’s clearly an unpleasant experience.
But what meaning do they assign to it? Is it a meaning that keeps them in the loop: “why do bad things happen to me? I don’t deserve this much pain…”
Or is it a meaning that keeps them focused on reality instead of mental suffering: “I fell down the stairs. My knee really hurts. No denying the fact. But I’ll recover with time.”
I agree that it’s somewhat easier to keep the distinction between pain and suffering alive when the pain is physical. But when it comes to emotional pain, the same distinction becomes more hazy.
The reason being: the emotional pain can not be seen or touched. It can only be felt.
And as far as the intangibility of feelings is concerned, nuances take a backseat.
This is why it becomes more important for us to recognize the patterns where we intentionally or unintentionally end up mixing our emotional pain with the suffering.
Most commonly, we do so by denying or dismissing the presence of pain altogether.
We try to fool ourselves by rejecting the presence of pain so as to escape the suffering 😅
But in reality, we ’escape’ the suffering by accepting the pain instead of rejecting it.
Thus, honoring pain means:
We accept it. We acknowledge it. We feel it in its entirety.
(and we take professional help if and when needed)
Then the next step of dealing with the pain arises in the form of a question: Do we choose to suffer from the pain?
To put it into perspective, we can’t discover ways to climb a mountain unless we make peace with the reality of the mountain.
We have to accept the height of the mountain. We have to accept the different climates and sloping sides of the mountain. We have to accept the mountain for what it is, instead of wishing for what it should be or could be.
Once this acceptance is settled in, then only we can prepare ourselves to climb it.
Similarly, without accepting the pain and its reality for what it is, we can’t expect ourselves to be equipped with the ways to navigate it. That navigation is nothing but the choice of suffering from the pain or not.
All in all,
Honoring pain = Its radical acceptance
But it’s easier said than done. For we clearly struggle to accept our pain.
What’s the reason(s) for this struggle?
There are three reasons:
1. We believe pain makes us miserable.
We don’t like to be miserable. So we deny it.
What we forget is:
Pain doesn’t make us miserable. Suffering does.
The more we deny our pain, the more suffering it brings. Before we know it, our denial becomes an unending loop of suffering.
2. We try to mitigate our pain by comparing it with others’ pains.
In doing so, we end up belittling our pains hence not accepting them for the purpose they carry for us. And we become hell-bent in making ourselves believe: “Oh it isn’t such a big deal. No need to be a crybaby.”
I’ve more to add on this specific point. So hear me out:
Using other pains as an example to help us manage our pains makes sense. But it ends up doing more harm than good when somewhere in this whole “example setting” thing, we forget it’s still THEIR pain which exists in THEIR frame of reality. And our pain exists in our frame of reality. Both are different even when they may appear alike. For there are countless variables at play when it comes to an individual and their respective experiences.
It doesn’t mean you prolong your pain and keep victimizing yourself because your pain is exclusive to you. No. You use examples of others’ pains as a source of inspiration, varied perspectives and a reminder of self-trust. But alongside, you keep yourself grounded in the reality which your pain is showing you. You see it for what it is even if others’ examples are making you doubt it.
Remember: Comparison of pains to get insights is one thing. Comparison of pains to determine “which is more inferior or less important than the other” is well a kind of reality manipulation. And you can’t deal with reality if you manipulate it.
3. We are not always aware of the ways to manage our pain.
Plus, the uncertainty of what our pain might result into feels scary. Hence, knowingly or unknowingly we dismiss the existence of our pain.
You owe it to yourself to honor your pain.
Then only suffering becomes optional which otherwise feels inevitable.
You don’t have to shame yourself for running away from your pains. Please don’t. Just be aware when, why and how you find yourself denying and dismissing your pain.
That awareness will help you see the illusions that keep you gripped in the loop of: pain, suffering and repeat.
Lastly, if you think:
Your pains exist to break you.
Let me tell you:
Your pains exist to break you; and build you.
The secret of life lies in that one semicolon, my friend.
🦋
Until next Thursday,
Ashi