Hey #078: You can empathize with others' behaviors WITHOUT supporting those behaviors. How?
You may not know this (yet)...
Let's say your colleague is angry.
You don't know why they're angry. But you can sense anger in their body language.
You understand that every emotion is valid. So you extend empathy towards them and their anger.
You keep your distance and give them space to be angry, while deciding to check in on them after some time.
You start working.
After a while, that colleague comes to you to discuss an approaching work deadline.
You both begin discussing. You feel anger in their tone. But you remain calm.
Suddenly, they start making passive aggressive remarks to you.
It happens once. It happens twice.
You’re not comfortable with it.
But they don't seem to care about it at all. They continue with their passive aggression. And it's inappropriate for you.
What would you do?
Would you ignore your discomfort and let them speak to you passive aggressively because they’re angry and you’re being empathetic towards their anger?
Or would you ignore your empathy towards their anger and get angry at them because they shouldn’t talk to you passive aggressively?
Well. Neither you’ve to ignore your discomfort caused by their passive aggression. Nor you’ve to ignore empathy towards their anger.
You read that right.
Validating your discomfort, having empathy towards them and disabling their behavior — all of these can coexist.
How?
By expressing. By being vocal.
“I think you’re angry. If you want to talk about it, I’m here. But I’m not going to allow the passive aggression with which you’re talking to me…”
"I see your anger. And it's valid. But I’m not going to validate your passive aggressive remarks. Please be mindful of your tone..."
“I sense passive aggression in your tone. I don’t find it acceptable. Maybe you’re angry. You can take some time to calm down. Then we can discuss…”
"I can understand you're angry. I'm here if you want to talk about it. But I'm not going to allow you to pass such remarks..."
"I don't wanna invalidate your anger. And I’m not comfortable with your tone. So I'm gonna excuse myself for now. We can discuss later once you feel better..."
Each of these phrases is empathizing with their anger while disabling their passive aggression and expressing your boundaries.
These phrases are impactful in themselves. So you don’t have to raise your voice or use a rude tone. Be calm. Remember:
It’s about assertiveness, not rudeness 😊
Why do these phrases work?
These phrases call out the other person’s behavior while making them aware (or reminding them) of what you consider as an inappropriate behavior.
Your empathy for their anger in these phrases keeps the focus on them. While your assertiveness to disable their behavior keeps the focus on you.
Hence, these phrases help you create space for their emotions AS WELL AS yours, instead of neglecting one for the other.
Meaning, by using such phrases:
You give space to all existing emotions, no matter how contradicting those emotions are.
That’s the key, my friend.
When you disable someone's behavior, it doesn't mean you lack empathy.
It means you don't allow anything and everything in the name of empathy.
Empathy = Ability to understand another person's thoughts and feelings in a situation from their point of view, rather than your own.
Empathy means understanding, not support or encouragement.
Hence, you can empathize with the reasons behind someone’s actions and behaviors without endorsing those actions and behaviors. In short:
You can have empathy towards others’ behaviors without enabling those behaviors.
Be vocal.
🦋
I'll see you next Thursday,
Ashi
(it me on LinkedIn)