Hey #079: Why are we scared of assertiveness?
Hey #079: Why are we scared of assertiveness?
My take on the struggle of being assertive 👇
Why are we scared of assertiveness?
Is it because we don't know how to be assertive?
Is it because we have misunderstood assertiveness?
Whatever the case is, the fear of assertiveness makes us knit assumptions that aren't true:
I'll appear rude if I'm being assertive
Those who lack tolerance need assertiveness
I always choose empathy over assertiveness
Assertiveness will make me look arrogant
I don't want to be assertive as I don't want to be a bad person
I once used to believe in such assumptions because I didn't know that:
Assertiveness becomes natural when we dismantle the shame around dense emotions like anger and resentment.
Let's understand what I just said.
When do we feel the need to be assertive?
When confronting dishonesty or deception
When addressing misunderstandings and conflicts
When expressing our needs and wishes in a connection
When denying to tolerate anything and everything
When protecting our values from exploitation
When seeking fair treatment in our relationships
When dealing with manipulative behaviors from others
etc.
Whenever we feel the need to be assertive, there's a quiet inner voice which says, “Enough is enough. This is not okay for me. No. I won't allow it.”
Sometimes, this inner voice screams. Sometimes, it whispers.
But it says, “Enough is enough.”
I want you to repeat “Enough is enough” in your mind right now. Say it to yourself. A few times.
What do you feel?
With each repetition, how does your tone change? Is it becoming aggressive?
Do you feel like screaming? Or do you feel an intense yet unwavering wave of conviction in yourself?
Sink in that feeling.
It'll either feel like the quiet before the storm. Or the raging storm itself.
The texture of this feeling is similar to that of anger.
For some, it is anger. For others, it is related to anger, like resentment.
At the core, it is anger — the driver of the vehicle of “Enough is enough”.
This anger gets accumulated due to unsaid noes and forced yeses; helpless silences when the words are needed; cluelessness to stand up for oneself; affinity for the “good person” image; etc.
This anger keeps getting buried deep down because we don't know how to handle it, express it and well…find safety in it.
Hence, when we say we're scared of assertiveness, what we're saying is:
We’re scared of awakening the dormant anger which we know we’ll have to get in touch with if we wish to be assertive.
We don't want to awaken anger because we don't have a pleasant relationship with it.
We find anger ugly and unhealthy.
This leads us to be ashamed of anger — whether of ours or of others. So, we don't feel anger. We keep trying to avoid it.
That's why I said:
Assertiveness becomes natural when we dismantle the shame around dense emotions like anger and resentment.
We need to understand that it's okay to be angry. And that we don't have to be ashamed of anger.
Anger is an intense emotion. It’s not unhealthy or bad or wrong by default. It’s the way we choose to feel and express anger which determines the beauty of anger.
Those ways can be learnt to dismantle the shame around anger.
The more the shame around anger is dismantled, the more we feel anger.
The more we feel anger, the more free we feel in saying to ourselves, “Enough is enough”.
The more free we feel in saying to ourselves what we want to say, the more we own ourselves.
The more we own ourselves, the more natural assertiveness becomes for us.
Read the last few lines again, if you may.
When I say, we have to feel anger, I'm also emphasizing on the importance of learning to feel anger in constructive ways.
For we can't honor assertiveness until we honor our anger constructively.
As we do that, we start listening to the inner voice which whispers:
“Enough is enough.
I can't keep fooling myself. I'm not okay with certain behaviors. I want to speak up.
I no longer want to tolerate anything and everything in the name of empathy.
I want to express my needs. I want to ask for what I want. I want to pose questions. I want to stand up for myself.
I want to be vocal. Because…
Enough is enough.”
Give this voice a chance. Give your anger a chance.
You don’t have to do it alone. Take help. My inbox is always open if you’ve any questions.
Ultimately, you’ve to look where you haven’t been looking to deal with the fear of assertiveness.
🦋
Until next Thursday,
Ashi
(it me on LinkedIn)