Till the age of 20, I used to cry every other day for not having any friends in life.
Honestly, I don't think I had any idea of who a friend really is.
I just wanted to have someone (who is not my blood-family) who I can call family.
Or maybe all I wanted was someone who could help me not feel unwanted.
The more rejections I saw on people's faces in terms of “I don't want you as a friend, Ashi”, the more I believed there's something wrong with me.
Not a single person wanted to befriend me. They all talked to me when they wanted something in return. And I as a naive wannabe-friend assumed it as their first step to befriend me.
But my illusions shatter more than I can remember.
Hence, tears. Loads of them.
Maa used to assure me every time that there's nothing wrong with me. And that I'll find friends. The ones who will want me the way I am.
And I used to get angry at her for giving me such false hopes when my reality was completely opposite.
Guess what?
Maa was proven right.
Through LinkedIn and college, I knitted my closest circle of friends.
There were 9 of them. They knitted this circle as much as I did. And my heart used to dance in joy.
2018 was the year when almost every day I used to smile in disbelief, “Oh my god! How did I get so lucky in the friendships department!”
Seeing me content, maa used to say, “Didn't I tell you so?”
My closest circle was there with me in the toughest phase of my life which was the year 2020 when I underwent a surgery.
Having them with me in my utmost pain, I started believing that if they didn't leave my side at my worst, nothing else then could make them leave ever.
I lived this belief by heart until…
one of my closest friends ghosted me all of a sudden.
4 years of friendship, 4 years of togetherness, 4 years of life's ups and downs…and then one day they were just gone like they never existed.
It took me more than a year to bring myself to the reality that they're actually gone.
To this day, I think about them with a smile on my face and hurt in my heart.
Gradually, my other closest friendships which were meant to stay forever started fading.
Some I let go. Some let go of me.
And some were gone until they came back.
Ultimately, I was left with 5 people I called close friends. (Yep, after the ghosting I experienced, the label “closest” became “close” in my mind lol)
Over the next few years,
5 became 4.
4 became 3.
3 became 4.
4 became 2.
2 became 1.
1 became 2.
The numbers kept changing.
Some friends are no longer in my life like they never existed. Some are there but the closeness has gotten replaced with aching distance.
My former therapist called this growing distance a normal aspect of “adulthood”.
The logical part of me has accepted it. But the emotional part of me…well it’ll take some time to come around…particularly for two friends who I never wanted to lose.
Every time I lost a close/st friendship, I loosened the idea of friendship that I always clinged onto.
A few days back only (after the last rupture in my close/st friendships), I realized how confining it is to label these connections under anything.
Because the friendship(s) that are still standing today in my life are the ones that surpass any label.
Finally, I've accepted it to be the ONLY determining factor of ANY close or closest friendship. That is,
The connections that are meant to stay don’t require any label at all.
However, to express the love and gratitude that I feel for the friendships I have today, I do use the word “close/st”.
But in my heart, that's only a way of expression. Because what I feel about those friendships cannot be labeled, but only be experienced.
I do feel scared of losing those 1-2 friendships. Because I care for them SO MUCH. The people who are holding the thread of those friendships with me are too precious. I love them. I cherish them.
But then again, I remind myself — “Ashi, carry hope. Don't cling.”
The more I dive into this reminder, the more unbounded my love gets for my friends.
And I believe it's the miracle of this unbounded love only that in the last few weeks I'm deepening my bond with a few other people.
I've not been attaching any expectations with those friendships. Yet the closeness I'm experiencing is unexpectedly what I always expected.
After the breakups in my forever friendships, all the hurt, grief, disappointment, anger, resentment…all dense feelings that left their imprint are still alive in me.
Once they were burning like an insatiable fire. Now it's soot that a dying fire leaves on the surface it was once lit.
I don't try to wash this soot away. Because I'm not bothered by it.
It's there.
I treasure it as the memory of love that I once shared with my former forever friends.
I've no idea who of my current friends are actually “forever”. I've stopped thinking about it too. Because those who are meant to stay WILL stay.
Hence, I'm living my friendships with an openness in heart like never before.
It's freeing me from the concept of “forever”.
…which I believe is the whole purpose of love.
🦋
I'll see you next Thursday,
Ashi
ps: Tell me about your breakups in friendships? Do you still miss your former friends?
Let’s talk it out. Lighten the pain. Relive some memories.
Share any experience that you're comfortable in sharing. I'll be there to read it with all my heart. And I'll reply as well. Sending you love ❤️
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Forever friednships is a lie. 😅
You know, I have made friends in batches, within phases. There's like a mode which is active and inactive. Every few years, it goes active, I make 10-20 friends after which I'm inactive, losing some of those "friends" gradually. Do I feel sad? Not really. With time, as you change, you attract new people and many others don't really feel relatable anymore. Still, if given a chance, I'll like to keep all the friendships alive, with customised settings for each. 🥲