Hey #133: How to act when you're shit scared?

Jan 23, 2025

Last one week has been all about taking steps that scared me in varying degrees from “It’s scary but yeah I got this!” to “I’m so terrified that I might as well just hide myself in some farthest corner of the world.”

I came across a pattern in my romantic relationships that I was repeating unknowingly. Despite the urge of repeating it just one more time, I chose to part ways from it. As a result of making an unfamiliar choice, I went into a dumpster of messy emotions. But I also found my way back.

I attended an offline meet-up of branding and marketing people in Jaipur after ages. Opting to go for this meet-up triggered fears of comparisons and having to face the reality of what all I’ve left behind (reference: I’m a former branding consultant) with respect to where I’m at right now (reference: I’m in the world of inner work).

I went for the sessions of Dances of Universal Peace and sang and danced with strangers. My weird and clumsy dance moves and angel-unlike voice came out. And I felt this huge wave of embarrassment even when the wonderful dance facilitator kept asking to “let it all go”. I had the option to not go for the session the next day. But I chose “F it. I’m going to do this again…scared.”

I committed to doing a series of Substack Lives with my friend Ashutosh. Despite being in the online content world for the last 8-ish years, I haven’t gotten over the disgust that I often end up feeling when I see myself on videos. I can already sense self-shaming getting activated on my decision of sharing the recordings of two lives which we’ve done so far (they’re attached at the end of this edition). But I’m still choosing to continue doing these lives and share their recordings with you. (Psst…we’re doing the next live tomorrow. Find details at the end)

Lastly, owing to a wholesome-yet-random nudge by Life to come back to the space of offline workshops, I’m hosting and facilitating a workshop called “Three Hours for SELF” this Sunday in Jaipur (do check out the details at the end even if you’re not in Jaipur). I received the idea, intention and flow of the workshop in meditation on Monday morning. Tuesday I made it live. Wednesday I started freaking out…even cried myself to sleep as the doer in me who wasn’t there while conceiving this workshop, suddenly got activated and literally created chaos in my inner world. Thursday (aka today) I’m keeping both the doer and non-doer within my awareness. I’m feeling it all, yet feeling nothing except for focus.

So, you see…the last 7 days have been something!

I’m saying it with a chilled vibe right now because the crying sessions last night helped. But it doesn’t negate the presence of fear that’s chilling out in my inner world.

That’s also why it’s a great time for me to explore and simultaneously share with you…

How to act/ be/ do/ operate when you’re shit scared?

On one level, the answer to this question revolves around the commonly heard and read advice of “Just DO it!”

But I want to go deeper. Because I know how paralyzing fear can be such that the idea of “Just DO it!” can become a fuel rather than the extinguisher for the fire of fear.

Also, there exist many narratives which emphasise on “controlling” the fear. I don’t subscribe to those narratives. For you can never cultivate self-understanding from something that you aim to control. And the purpose of fear is nothing but self-understanding (and keeping you alive).

So, let’s put aside the notions of controlling fear. Let’s instead explore the art of flowing along with fear!

…which is exactly something that I’ve come to actively practice for a week.

Firstly – What does flowing along with fear mean?

It means not fighting the fear. Being in complete presence with it. Yet continuing to do things, engage in interactions, participate in activities…that scare you.

In other words, do it shit scared.

Although, the subtle but significant difference in the way I’m using these words is:

You observe your fear while acting despite it. That is, you remain aware of what you’re feeling, thinking, believing, talking, etc. while acting despite your fear.

It’s like having a friend in your guest room who you know plays loud music, doesn’t exactly have good hygiene, argues with you all the time and is great at slamming the door in your face. Yet you don’t throw them out of your home. Instead, you hangout with them while engaging in your day-to-day tasks and responsibilities.

You can argue – Why even make such a strange entity a friend and give it a place in your home?

Well, that strange entity is already in your home. And the choice to befriend it is yours. If by not befriending this strange entity, you’re doing fine…awesome. If not, then it’s time to make a new friend.

All the havoc that fear creates in your world is simply because it wants your attention. It wants your attention because it wants your best. But it doesn’t know how to communicate that to you in a civilized manner. Hence, it creates chaos.

Of course, fear’s intention of your best can appear strongly debatable. But if you remove your lenses of judgment and really really really look at fear (despite the chaos it creates) with the question, “What is it so direly trying to tell me?” — you’ll hit a jackpot and your debate will end!

So, that’s what I mean by flowing along with fear.

Now…

How to flow along with fear?

Start observing: Why do you actually despise fear?

If you really observe, you’ll find…

You despise fear because it makes your system feel unsafe (even if you can’t consciously register it) by making your heart race and sending your body into a fight-flight-freeze-fawn response.

Okay. Fair!

Observe more…

But why really does your heart start racing and your body gets into a fight-flight-freeze-fawn response?

Stay with the question.

The answer will emerge…

Because something in your reality starts showing you glimpses, no matter how feeble, of your worst anticipations, doubts and beliefs. That “something” (be it a memory, situation, person, desire, experience, thought, feeling…anything) starts questioning the pretense which you’ve been so meticulously carrying. A part of you realizes the presence of this pretense. But it doesn’t know how to operate in the absence of this pretense. So, to avoid getting pushed into the unfamiliar realms, it perceives that “something” as danger and sets off all alarms of your system (body and mind).

(Read the last paragraph again, if you will.)

All of this happens instantaneously under the radar that your conscious mind fails to comprehend it and it ends up concluding:

Fear = Danger

In reality…

Fear = A whole roadmap to that very thing which your system perceives to be a Danger

In other words…

Fear is an indicator of danger. Fear is NOT danger itself.

That indication gives us the roadmap to approach the (perceived) danger and investigate it.

Result? Boatloads of self-understanding — which is the whole purpose of fear, other than keeping you alive.

Thus, the only step to flow along with fear is essentially to observe it.

I say “only step” because when you observe fear and experience (not only intellectually understand) the whole roadmap which it carries, there’s nothing else left to be done.

You flowed when you observed. You observed because you flowed.

One thing which will help you in this observation is tools to stay put when the observations start airing your dirty laundry (fact is…we all have LOADS of it) to you.

Those tools are different for each one of us.

Like for me, those tools are — meditation, journaling, crying, focusing on body sensations, connecting with my body through light movements, and having support of my coaches and friends.

For you it can be any of these or all of these or something else altogether.

But the objective of these tools is the same…

Cultivating safety and resilience within such that we can go on daunting adventures, and continue with them, without fleeing away.

Fear is the master guide of such adventures.

Flow along with it! 😊

About me flowing along with my fear…

Here are the recordings of the last two Substack Lives:

Join us for our 3rd Live tomorrow!

Topic: How do we hold ourselves back from receiving blessings in life? The live link will be sent to all subscribers. So, you’ll receive it on email and/ or Substack app. And if you’re not a subscriber yet, subscribe.

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