Hey #016: How to get better at giving emotional support to your loved ones?

Hint: it's NOT just about empathy

We all need emotional support from time to time.

Sometimes, we’re able to give it to ourselves. Sometimes, we need others to give it to us. And sometimes, we need to give it to others.

Nonetheless, we all have our own support language.

Support language = The way one likes to receive emotional support

When feeling hurt, you may like to be left alone. But your friend may like to talk to their loved one.

When feeling anger, you may like to take a walk outside. But your sibling may like to write in their diary.

When feeling excited, you may like to share it with your partner. But your partner may like to first process it on their own before sharing it with you.

Knowing others' support language helps us to support them the way THEY like and need.

When you know that on feeling hurt your friend feels supported by not being left alone, you'll make efforts to be there with them.

Otherwise, you’ll follow the blueprint of your own support language (needing alone time) and will think:

"They must be needing some alone time. I wanna support them. So I should give them that alone time."

And you won't end up supporting them even when you intend to.

If you know your sibling likes to write in their diary when they feel angry, you'll be able to give them that space to write.

…instead of pushing them to take a walk outside.

If you know your partner likes to take some time to process their excitement before sharing it with anyone, you'll let them do that without taking it personally as:

"Why don't they want to share their excitement with me? Don't I matter to them?"

It's crucial to understand our loved ones' support language if we really wish to be there for them the way they need it.

The question is:

How to recognise other people's support language (and get better at giving them emotional support)?

Here’s the answer:

ASK THEM.

Don't assume. Don't calculate. Don't connect the dots.

Just ask them.

"Hey, I care for you so much. And I want to be there for you the best way I can. So please tell me, what do you expect from me to feel supported when you feel.....?"

Too straightforward?

Yeah, that’s the whole point. Don’t beat around the bush. Ask without hesitation.

Your care and love for the other person will help you ask. Lean into it 😊

Once you recognise their support language, don’t expect you’ll be able to master it right away. Come on, it’s not a race. Give it time. You’ll get a hang of it.

Sharing some tips:

• Ask for feedback

If you wish to get better at something, you need to get feedback on it. After the situation of supporting the other person passes, ask them:

How did they feel in that situation on receiving your support? What did they miss? Did they want anything else?

• Don’t take things personally

Put the spotlight of attention away from yourself when understanding - why they behave the way they do in certain situations, identifying what they may be needing, asking them about their support language and feedback on it.

It may seem like it’s about you. But it’s not about you. It’s about them. Whatever you notice or discover, look at it without taking anything personally. Still if things don’t add up, ask the other person involved.

• Keep your assumptions and expectations in check

As you start putting efforts in supporting them the way they need it, you may start expecting similar efforts by them when it comes to supporting you.

Then on not receiving the similar efforts, you may start assuming certain things like, “They don’t care about me no matter how much I do. Can’t they see how much I’m going out of my comfort zone to support them? They should at least acknowledge my efforts…”

It’s totally okay to have such expectations and assumptions. Make sure you keep them in check:

“Did I communicate my expectations to them? Can my thoughts about them not caring for me be wrong? Why don’t I go ahead and have a conversation with them around it?...”

These are my tried and tested tips that work. I hope they’ll help you too 😊

In my journey of learning to give and receive emotional support, I’ve learned:

When it comes to giving emotional support, ASK them the kind of emotional support they need.

And when it comes to receiving emotional support, ASK from them the kind of emotional support you need.

Read it again, if you will.

I accept, asking is not easy. This is why, it bothered me for a long time:

“Why do I need to be the one to ask in both cases? Can’t the other person recognise the emotional support I’m looking for? Can’t they tell me what kind of emotional support they need? Why do I have to ask?”

Then it occurred with time:

It need not be me to ask in either case.

I can choose to not ask the kind of emotional support they need and can feel clueless and distant when I wish to support them. Or I can choose to ask about it and enjoy giving while deepening the connection.

I can choose to not ask for emotional support from them and build resentment for not having the support the way I need. Or I can choose to ask for it and enjoy receiving while deepening the connection.

It’s all about my choice.

It’s all about YOUR choice.

Choose. Ask. Enjoy.

Happy choosing!

🦋

Until next Thursday,

Ashi

(it’s me on LinkedIn and Twitter)

ps: I’m told my emails are not reaching your primary inbox. That’s sad :(

Good thing is we can do something about it. Like, whitelist this email. Or move it to the primary inbox. Or better, hit reply to this email (one word like hi would suffice) which will help whitelisting my emails in your inbox. Let’s do this?

pps: In this piece, we explored how to recognise and give the emotional support the other person needs from us.

If you want me to write a piece on how to ask for and receive the emotional support we need, hit reply (yes it’ll help in whitelisting as well :P) or comment below.

Edit: Here comes the receiving end of emotional support: How to ask for emotional support? Who to ask for it from?

Happy reading!