Hey #020: How to ask for emotional support? Who to ask for it from?

Reminder: Asking for emotional support doesn’t make you weak

Asking for what we need is a skill.

Like many other significant concepts of life, we’re not taught how to ask for our needs. Make it asking for “emotional support” and it becomes more unlikely that we know how to do it.

The good thing is, we can learn this skill like any other skill. 

Well no, let me correct myself – we can teach this skill to ourselves.

A few editions ago, we talked about “How to get better at giving emotional support to your loved ones?”

In today’s edition, we’ll explore how to ask for emotional support?

If you give it a thought, you’ll realize:

The act of asking for emotional support is preceded by identifying and accepting the need to ask for it.

To refine it further,

The act of asking for emotional support is preceded by identifying and accepting that it’s okay AND safe to ask for it.

Our near and dear ones can’t always identify when we need their emotional support. It’s our job to tell them, “Hey, I need you right now.” So it becomes even more important to teach ourselves the skill of asking for emotional support.

More often than not, we hesitate in asking for support because we think:

• it makes us look incapable or weak

• it feels like giving the other person an upper hand

• it makes us depend on the other people which feels scary

Hence, it’s important to first understand and make peace with the fact that it’s okay to ask for support (be it emotional support or any other kind of support). To gain this understanding, know that asking for support:

• doesn’t make us look weak. Infact, it’s an act of strength (the amount of courage it takes to ask for support…well you know the rest)

• doesn’t give anyone an upper hand as it’s not any power struggle but a normal part of being an human

• is the beautiful representation of interdependence which assures us: a) we don’t need to do it all alone, and b) we can find safety in depending on others

Read the last three points as many times as you need to find ease in the concept of asking for support :)

Once you start feeling that ease, continue further.

What exactly is emotional support?

Emotional support is a verbal or non-verbal way to show compassion and care such that the other person doesn't feel alone and can cope with their emotions.

Do you remember the times when you needed to be assured that you’re not alone, that you got this, that it’s okay to be not okay…?

These were the exact moments when you were needing emotional support :)

And if you’re going through some difficult times currently, please know that you don’t have to go through this all alone. And you can ask for the emotional support that you need.

The question comes,

How to ask for emotional support? And who to ask for it from?

Let’s address the second question first.

Who can you ask for emotional support from?

Anyone who you know makes genuine efforts to understand you is your go-to person to ask for emotional support from.

I’m not saying, your people will always and anyways get you. Infact, this expectation is itself a road to unnecessary suffering.

What I’m emphasizing on is: the people who don’t shy away in making efforts to understand you (even if and when their efforts don’t always succeed) are the ones to reach out to and say to, “Hey, I need your support right now.”

Pause for a moment. Think who’s that one person in your life who makes efforts to understand you?

The first person that comes to your mind is your go-to person!

Now, how to ask for emotional support from that person?

#1: Say it all

Say to the other person not just that you need their emotional support but also that it’s not easy for you to ask for it.

“Hey. I don’t know how to say this. It’s not at all easy for me. But I ummm…I’m trying. So I’m going through…no I don’t think I can do this. It’s too uncomfortable…”

You may feel unclear in what to say and how to say it. That’s exactly why you need to express all your pauses, ummms, hesitation and nos. It also helps the other person in understanding the place you’re coming from. So go for it.

#2: Don’t try to “not make it messy”

Often we don’t ask for emotional support because doing so makes us vulnerable. And vulnerability comes with a risk of making things messy. 

Since we tend to avoid emotional mess, we hold ourselves back from entering into the territory of vulnerability.

But it contradicts with the idea of asking for emotional support. Because to ask for emotional support, we’ve to get in touch with the part of us that’s needing that support. Aka:

We’ve to be vulnerable and take the risk of making things messy.

So when you ask for emotional support, don’t try to not make it messy. The more you try to not make it messy, the messier it’ll get. Direct the efforts of keeping it “clean” to keeping it raw, authentic, vulnerable and clear.

#3: Shush your judgments

Personally, I struggle in asking for emotional support mainly because of my own judgments:

“Come on, Ashi. It’s not even a big deal. Why can’t you handle it on your own? It’s nothing. Just binge watch a web series or have an ice cream and it’ll go away. Why make a fool of yourself by reaching out to someone else? Yada yada…”

This is called denying and dismissing an emotional reality. I used to do it more often than I could remember. After seeing its repercussions, I started teaching myself to spot this denial and dismissal when it’s happening and replace it with:

“I’m safe in asking for help. It doesn’t tell anything about me. Yes, it’s effing difficult. But I can do this. I don’t have to struggle alone. I can reach out for help. It’s okay…”

Self-talk does wonders. It can drown you or save you. All depends on the kind of self-talk you’re engaging with.

So make sure your self-talk is helping you shush your judgments instead of empowering them. And if it seems difficult, go back to the first point: “Say it all.”

“Hey, I’m struggling in saying this…as something in me says I shouldn’t do it or it’s weak of me to come to you asking for help. So...ummm…I’m trying…”

#4: Give specifics

Saying what we’re going through is one thing. But saying what kind of emotional support we need in what we’re going through is the other thing.

Sometimes, we need suggestions and solutions. Sometimes, we need assurance. Sometimes, we need a hug. Sometimes, we need a shoulder to cry on. And sometimes, we need nothing else but a listening ear.

Whatever we need, we’ve to specify it. Because the other person won’t get to know it on their own. Don’t assume that they will.

Yes, specifying what we need may sound too much of a task especially when we’re in an emotional whirlwind. But to not dilute our truth and needs, we’ve to say it.

If you find the other person giving you suggestions when all you need is assurance, don’t mind in telling them:

“I appreciate your suggestions. But right now, I’m not seeking any. I just need you to listen to me…”

When they’re listening to you and you feel the need of a hug, ask them:

“Can I get a hug?” (of course, it depends on the kind of relationship you’ve with them)

Specify. Specify. Specify.

#5: Count in the possibility of not getting the support you need

Even after specifying what you need, it’s possible that you may end up feeling disappointed. And it’s okay. The other person is not a genie. Give them some leeway.

You can be disappointed for not getting the kind of support you needed from the other person AND you can be grateful that they tried. You don’t have to pick one of these two. 

While going about asking for emotional support, consider the possibility that it may not turn out exactly the way you wanted or expected. It’s completely okay. Don’t make it a reason for not trying at all.

Remember, asking for support:

• doesn’t make you look weak. Infact, it’s an act of strength

• doesn’t give anyone an upper hand as it’s not any power struggle but a normal part of being an human

• is the beautiful representation of interdependence which assures: a) you don’t need to do it all alone, and b) you can find safety in depending on others

You can ask for the emotional support that YOU need.

YOU CAN DO THIS. ABSOLUTELY. TOTALLY. COMPLETELY.

You just have to give this belief to yourself. And it can’t happen unless you try asking for emotional support. Sooo…

Go for it!

🦋

Until next Thursday,

Ashi

(it me on LinkedIn and Twitter)

ps: Want to learn the other side of “receiving and giving emotional support?”

Check this out: How to get better at giving emotional support to your loved ones?