Hey #075: Is seeking validation good or bad?
Answering the question for once and all!
Validation.
What comes to your mind when you encounter this word?
For a long time (and still often), a negative connotation strikes my mind when I think about this word.
This negative connotation makes me dislike validation. It makes me feel bad about myself for even thinking about wanting validation. It makes me label myself “so needy”.
I wonder, WHY?
Why do I associate only a negative connotation with the word “validation"? Does a positive connotation exist with this word?
I can’t answer these questions unless I remove the lens of negative and positive connotations, and look at validation in the light of neutrality.
I’ll ask you the same — remove your lenses of good/ bad, right/ wrong, positive/ negative for the next few moments and look at validation with neutrality.
What actually is validation?
Google says,
Validation is the act or process of making something acceptable or approved.
This means: As individuals, we look for validation to get accepted and approved.
Accepted and approved by who?
When looking for external validation, we seek acceptance and approval by others.
When looking for internal validation, we seek acceptance and approval by ourselves.
All in all, it’s about acceptance and approval.
Why do we want to get accepted and approved?
To feel and believe the importance of our existence.
In short, to feel and believe that “I matter”.
By looking for validation for your work, you seek the feeling, “My work matters”.
By looking for validation for your intellect, you seek the feeling, “My intellect matters”.
By looking for validation for your social circle, you seek the feeling, “My social circle matters”.
Since your work, your intellect and your social circle are extensions of you, seeking validation for them narrows down to seeking validation for yourself.
It comes back to the feeling of “I matter”.
In day-to-day life, “I matter” translates to different feelings, beliefs, intentions, needs, thoughts, behaviors and actions:
I want to ensure that my work is creating an impact so I want my work to be validated.
If they don’t respect me, it’ll mean I don’t matter to them. So it’s important to remind them of my authority.
I need reassurance that my partner cares for my feelings so I want them to listen to me.
My friend didn’t compliment my dress. What’s wrong? Don’t they like it?
If they love me enough, they should care for my wishes.
…so on and on.
Impact, reassurance, respect, compliments, love, etc. — all of these are the medium to fulfill the need of validation in day-to-day life.
Each of the above-mentioned translations of “I matter” exists with their extremes. None of these is good/ bad, right/ wrong, valid/ invalid in itself. All of these are natural.
Hence, it’s only valid that…
Wanting to feel “I matter” is natural.
Wanting to feel accepted is natural.
Wanting to feel approved is natural.
Wanting to feel validated is natural.
It’s important to add that sometimes seeking validation is crucial as well.
You’re building a product and want to assess its receptivity in the target market. Without an appropriate validation from the market, you can’t decide the success of your product. Here validation becomes an unavoidable success metric.
You’re struggling to believe in yourself. It’s spilling on different areas of your life. You’re feeling doubtful, insecure and unworthy. You receive a message from your friend, telling you how much you matter to them and how amazing you are. You feel better. Without your friend’s reminder and their validation for your amazingness, you’d not feel better.
A personal example: I received the following message (all of a sudden) when I was doubting the progress of my work. Without this person’s validation, I’d not have provided the internal validation to myself which ultimately helped me to break the downward spiral of self-doubt.
You’re feeling tired for a few days. The tiredness persists even when you’re sleeping properly, taking a good rest, and eating well. You’re worried and decide to go to a doctor. The doctor runs some tests and assures you that everything is good. And that it’s only minor stress. The validation by a doctor for your good health helps you to validate your good health, which then dissolves your worries.
If you look closely, you’ll find countless scenarios like such where validation becomes crucial. In fact, you’ll find examples which will show you that both external and internal validation matter.
Sometimes, external validation helps us to validate ourselves (internal validation). And sometimes, internal validation helps us to spot (required) external validation.
We can’t generalize that seeking validation is good/ bad, right/ wrong, positive/ negative.
Seeking validation is natural AND normal.
Does that mean seeking validation is never unhealthy?
No.
If our dependency on validation is extreme, such that we struggle to function without it — seeking validation becomes unhealthy.
Always chasing vanity metrics on social media
Expecting from people to make you feel important all the time
Overworking to gain external recognition and hence, burning out
Never being able to believe in yourself until someone else praises you
Being on an emotional rollercoaster, hitting emotional highs and lows according to what people say about you
Constantly comparing yourself with others to feel better about yourself
etc.
Such extremes completely outsource self-esteem, happiness and contentment to the external factors that aren’t in one’s control. This outsourcing is never healthy in the long term.
So is seeking validation good or bad?
Well, seeking validation, in itself, is neither good nor bad.
It’s only natural. And important.
How much we seek validation and how we seek it, determines the goodness and badness of seeking validation.
We can feel enough and still seek validation, once we separate the purpose of validation from making it the source of self-worth.
We can keep struggling to believe in self and still not seek validation, if we don’t separate the purpose of validation from making it the source of self-worth.
Different interpretations of validation exist. It’s never black and white.
I hope this edition helps you realize the same.
🦋
I’ll see you next Thursday,
Ashi
(this is me on LinkedIn)
ps: In the last to last HeyEmotions edition, we explored the idea of impressing others (and self) – What would happen if we stop trying to impress everyone (INCLUDING ourselves)?
One of the readers, Dhyanvi, emailed me asking some questions regarding the explored idea. The discussion proceeded and we arrived at the concept of validation.
What I told her regarding validation clearly needed a full-fledged edition. Hence, we explored validation in today’s edition. Thank you for your questions, Dhyanvi :)
Oh and, while you’re at it, read Why do we hesitate to accept the fact that we love and want attention?
These editions will give you different perspectives about the concepts of wanting attention and creating an impression.
Happy reading :)