Hey #229: I’m going from pretend positivity to real positivity
A not-so-private journal entry
My relationship with positivity had never been promising.
If anything, I perceived positivity to be a hoax. Something that people use to hide from their pain, the negativity within and without, the helplessness for life’s matter-of-factness…
Up until a few days ago, I saw positivity as either a consolation or a bypass.
I used to internally scoff at people whenever I used to see them preaching positivity: “Okay, spill it already! What are you actually running from via this positivity of yours?”
Because every time something negative happens, people go, “But here’s the silver lining…”
Every time pain and suffering emerges, the mind goes, “But let me focus on the positive…” so much so that people keep themselves fixated on looking at only the positives while remaining wary of negatives.
THAT kind of positivity has always irked me.
To me such positivity feels like a deception, a meticulously woven one, but nonetheless a deception. And deceptions never sat right with my nervous system.
Looking back in my childhood, I remember I used to get irritated when my mom used to console me or my brother by making us see the positive in the negative. That irritation used to receive dismissive facial expressions from my mom, ultimately making my kid-self believe that I’m such a negative person, or that I like to sulk in negativity…no matter what.
I carried this belief like my shadow for nearly three decades. Eventually, I had come to terms with it, “Yep, I see negative, denseness, bad, and wrong before positive, lightness, good, and right. And I’m okay with it.”
It’s not until my inner journey began, I came to realize the silver lining (pun intended) in this belief of mine. My alliance with negativity had gifted me the sheer courage to not run away from the darkness. And that gift really reaaaalllly came handy to meet all the scary parts of myself.
The more those parts became my friends, the more wholeness began to enter my life. The more wholeness entered, the more non-duality began to shine. And with some glimpses of it, I could experience the construct of duality by living outside it.
But the work wasn’t done. Something within was still polarized. Hence, I couldn’t really keep myself outside of duality while living it simultaneously.
On multiple occasions, some big and some not-so-big, I painfully got dragged back to the world of duality. I lost my footing from the being-ness. In turn, I became more desperate to find my way out of the construct of duality. That’s when the first major lesson arrived:
The very act of desperation highlights resistance and control.
Something within me was clinging to the idea of non-duality.
Knowing nothing else would work, I stopped struggling. I surrendered. And non-duality met me again, this time with more vigour and groundedness. It taught me the art of conscious participation. Meaning: Living earnestly in the world while not getting consumed into it.
All my desires that had gotten discarded by weaponising spirituality, came online. This time, I welcomed every one of them and met them with reverence. While this rendezvous was going on, I stumbled upon the desire of building a life that’s unfathomably abundant in every sense. And the first hurdle that I encountered was in my belief system:
I didn’t really believe such an abundance could be possible. Or if it were possible, it was impossible to sustain it.
I grappled with this belief for weeks: Why is it so hard for me to believe in living and sustaining abundance on the physical plane? Why? Whyyyyy?
In one of the conversations with my Sangha, I discovered that I struggle with conviction. Conviction is the primary ingredient of any kind of unprecedented success. Yet I was struggling with it. I’d show conviction, but then I’d stop due to the fear of interfering with life’s flow. My notion had been: If I show such conviction, I’d end up ruining plans of life for me by imposing my plans on it!
“Ludicrous” is the word that now comes to my mind while revisiting this notion. But when I was grappling with this notion, I was immensely conflicted.
My Sangha helped me realize how it’s ego’s yet another sneaky play to keep me small. It took me a while to grasp it. But when I did, I was laughing. For the very act of not wanting to be small was another of ego’s play only.
I realized it’s all ego’s play.
Since conscious participation also means I choose which kind of play I want to participate in, I looked at my choices.
I understood that up until then I had lived my life on the edge of “things going wrong anytime, hence remaining wary of them”, aka the negative. I had no idea how to live on the other edge of “things working great all the time, hence being joyous, open, playful, excited for them”, aka the positive.
The edge I hadn’t yet lived is where the conviction lives. This is why I could never really lock in conviction. Because the whole idea was so inconceivable for my body-mind, my nervous system.
That’s when I chose I’m going to live the heck out of the edge of positive from now on. After all, it’s been long exploring only one side of duality, why not explore the other end now!
Henceforth, I ended up with the inclination of rewiring my nervous system to the positive baseline. I decided to make positivity my natural state, and not just an infrequently chosen state.
A new adventure began…
The first villain that appeared was the negativity bias of the primal human mind.
No matter how conscious I remained, I observed how my mind is deeply infatuated with negativity. It has this brilliant capability of finding the negative in the positive. And it doesn’t even take time to do that.
After repeatedly hitting the dead end of biologically-ingrained negativity bias, I understood I was trying to fight that which can’t be fought. So, I stopped. I accepted the fact that my mind is going to pull me back to negativity, no matter what. Now my job was to learn to navigate this matter-of-factness while still establishing my homebase in the positive.
To do that, I initially did quantum jumping meditations to meet the future version of me who was living at the positive. She’d show me the traits I need to embody to become her. Still I couldn’t really resonate with her. Something within kept me at a distance from her. And it began to frustrate the hell out of me.
Like always, as I slowed down and reconnected with my body by giving rest to the mind, the inner voice started speaking. It was gibberish at first. I couldn’t make sense of anything except for the realization that I need to slow down more.
As the slowness deepened, I accepted that what I was trying to accomplish was not that easy. Because I had decided to live the day when all my life I had only known the night.
One fine night (I love life’s humor), I was listening to a discourse as a part of my spiritual study group. It got me contemplating on something connected-yet-not-clearly-connected with my dilemma of still not being able to connect with positivity. I was journaling while contemplating.
And lo behold! I found the missing piece. It was right there in front of my eyes.
You see, in the beginning of this piece I shared how positivity always irked me?
THAT was the whole big block.
My nervous system had never perceived positivity to have a standalone existence. Positivity was always taken as a means, a tool, an instrument to ward off negativity. Whereas, negativity always had a standalone existence. In fact, only negativity had a standalone existence for me. And positivity only existed to serve negativity.
All those notions of seeing positive in the negative started coming to surface!
Why to look for positivity only when negativity is there? Why can’t I look for positivity just because?
The other notions of finding whimsy in life started flooding in!
Why to find whimsy in life? “So that you can be in touch with the magic of life, without which life can become gloomy!” So I’m looking for whimsy because I fear gloominess?
Why can’t I be positive without any fear? Why can’t I be positive just because?
It became crystal clear: I had an imprint that positivity was only an instrument to avoid, escape, deny, be protected, or move away from negativity.
So, positivity was just a means. It never really existed as an end in itself. And when something is registered only as a means to facilitate something else, its existence is just the reminder of that end.
This is why even the slight presence of positivity was perceived as the sign of negativity by my nervous system:
“Positivity shows negativity is just around the corner. Because positivity is a means to be protected from negativity. It’s only a matter of time when negativity kicks in. So, remain on guard. Don’t allow yourself to feel positivity. It’s a facade.”
It also led to a negative outlook in general:
“Positivity is bound to vanish. For it doesn’t really exist. It’s here only to keep negativity at bay. Negativity is all there is. So, don’t even try to enjoy positivity. It’ll only lead to pain. Even better to remain wary of positivity. Only expect negativity.”
This is also why I struggled to bask in the good, the positive. My first instinct had been to move on from the positive and prepare for the negative which according to me was inevitably going to follow the positive.
In hindsight, whatever I (forcedly) believed to be real positivity was just pretend positivity.
It’s only in the last few days I’ve come to see real positivity.
What do I mean by real positivity?
Positivity which exists standalone. Not as a means to be safeguarded from negativity. Not as hope postponed for the future. Not as an illusion to be entertained to keep oneself distracted from the pain of life.
Real positivity exists just because. It has no motive. It’s here in these words. In the person typing these words. In the person reading these words. It’s here. All around. Right in front of you. And me.
As I started acclimatizing my nervous system with real positivity, conviction found me.
It was the pretend positivity that made conviction unsustainable. After all, conviction is undoubtedly knowing, and not just believing that positivity is inevitable. Such inevitability can never stand on pretence. It requires the unshakeable foundations of realness which became possible with real positivity.
A few days down the line, in another discussion with my Sangha, I got to realize…
Human beings struggle to feel real positivity not only because of negativity bias, fears, insecurities, or even the pretend positivity. We struggle also because:
We define positivity as “things going our way.“
We then remain hostage to our expectations of things having to go our way.
On top of that, we feel entitled to the fulfillment of this expectation as if Life/Universe/Existence/God/Nature owes us.
So when anything indeed goes our way (aka something “positive” happens), we don’t really acknowledge it due to our entitlement, “But that’s how it was supposed to be! What’s there to notice!?”
On the other hand, if something doesn’t go our way (aka something “negative” happens), we make it a point to let the whole existence know how it has wronged us, and that how we deserve better.
Recognizing such entitlement in me freed me from the chains of resentment. I started seeing:
Life doesn’t owe me anything. My wants, desires and expectations emerge because it’s the nature of a human being. I can have the best intentions and commitment to actualize my wants and desires. Still it doesn’t guarantee anything. Because what is getting manifested in my life every single moment (without me trying) is governed by congruence which results from the sum total of my unconscious and conscious. The unconscious that I’m committed to become conscious of, yet there’s so much in this unconscious that remains out of sight. Regardless, life delivers. Since I can now see beyond entitlement, I find it humbling to really look at what life is delivering, instead of cancelling it right away. And somehow, it’s always positive. Not the “making myself see silver lining” positive. But the “as is” positive. The negativity bias still tries to find negativity. But another part (which is newly born) remains unfazed in the disbelief of, “My God! It’s all positive only. How can that even be!” And this new part has been winning over the negativity bias every time.
Observing it all baffles my reasoning. All I can say is it’s going beyond reasoning. And I feel that’s only why positivity has actually begun to become my homebase.
Another unable-to-make-logical-sense-out-of-it experience has been:
Knowing that nothing is guaranteed in life and I’m entitled to nothing, paradoxically strengthens my conviction even more. Because my conviction is no longer rooted in things having to go my way. At the same time, things not going my way no longer feel negative. So when nothing is negative, life becomes inherently positive. Conviction is all there is. There’s nothing to avoid in terms of “x shouldn’t happen since I want y.” There’s nothing to run away from. Instead, there’s a childlike curiosity developing in me to see everything through. Such positivity fuels conviction even more, almost to a point where it becomes redundant. And congruence builds up more and more. Ultimate result? Life delivers in the most surprising ways. Even when it’s not “my” way. In fact, I find myself giddy to see what all life is yet to deliver, even if it’s not what I want it to deliver. There’s no wariness.
This has massively opened up my nervous system capacity. Stillness, groundedness, safety, trust, relaxation, receivership, contentment, ease…have started to become a permanent member of my inner world.
This kind of positivity isn’t always electric in nature. It’s mostly calmer. It doesn’t shock me into highs and lows. It keeps me grounded yet expansive. Like an undercurrent, it’s there without any conditions.
Maybe that’s why all the pretend positivity that I (or others) imposed on me and vice-versa, was just about dynamic highs. There used to be this rush of adrenaline. And I used to chase that adrenaline by trying to be more positive and optimistic, leading to toxic positivity/optimism. Now I don’t chase. I simply notice it. And the more I notice, the more I find it in the most ridiculously simple things.
I can also recognise: Life was always abundant. Now I get to experience that abundance without any ifs and buts. The more I experience it, the more I allow it to penetrate my world, the more abundant it becomes in tangible and intangible ways.
Gratitude feels effortless. For a long time, I had a confusing relationship with gratitude. I used to feel like I’ve to push my system to feel gratitude, which sometimes used to work, but other times, it used to make me doubt the substantiality of gratitude. Now the kind of gratitude I feel is very different. My system still searches for gratitude by using old filters. But then I find it existing quietly within. The urge to prove to myself that I’m grateful is also dissolving.
The most fascinating part in all this?
Denseness, overwhelm, chaos, setbacks, challenges, grief, anger, pain… still arise. Because they’re the design of life.
The way I meet them has transformed.
I don’t try to “solve” them by making a problem out of them. I drop in my heart.
To paint a visual, these dense parts arrive, and there’s a presence of unconditional love and acceptance I feel in my heart which welcomes these parts like her own kids. She talks to them when needed. And gradually, those parts end up resting. They don’t get suppressed or bypassed. Instead, they’re held with so much tenderness.
This continues to show me that the real positivity is actually the thing of the body. I can’t do it if I’m tangled with my mind. Or maybe I can. I’m yet to experience it.
Hmm. So much is shifting. My whole life manual is changing…wow!
As I read this piece after writing, I realized it carries so many elements. Some of them are convoluted. Some of them are as clear as the glaring sun.
Take what resonates, and leave what doesn’t.
Thank you for reading.
Ashi